I reach the summit, take a ragged breath, and hold my arms aloft. “Great #guru, I come to seek your wisdom.” He nods and beckons me closer. I lean forward eagerly. “Come back with Cool Ranch Doritos, and wisdom shall be yours.” As I turn, he adds, “And root beer. A&W.” #vss365

“I’ve crossed the #universe to find you! Your destiny awaits, Lucy Black!” I wipe my greasy hands on my apron. “Did you say Black?” “Yes! My spaceship is just outside—“ “This happens all the time. I’m Lucy Block. You want the next galaxy over. Coffee before you go?”

I slammed down my hand and a piercing sound rent the air. “Don’t let your anger #consume you,” my guide murmured. “Put away that finger. Breathe in.” “You know what?” I snapped, swerving back into my lane. “The Zen Driving School is not working for me.” #vss365

“It’s like mixing #fire and water. We cancel each other out. Unless you’re a grease fire, and then I guess I make you explode. Why do I think you’re fire and I’m water? I’ll bring that up in therapy.” “You’re thinking of oil and water.” “Shit. Breaking up is hard.” #vss365

“Hello? National Weather Service? I have a complaint. It’s the autumn equinox today and the high is 92. Not very autumnal. Could you lower it thirty or so degrees?” “Let me look at your zip code. Ah, I see. Your area opted out of winter, which is bundled with autumn.”

#vss365

“Why are you so sparkly? Are you a vampire now?”
“I was the sub in the kindergarten class. The craft…it was like an #explosion of glitter.”
“Are you crying?”
“Yes, I’m crying! I look like a Vegas showgirl! And vampires don’t sparkle.”

#vss365

“Stop being so #stubborn, Mitch.”
“I’m not going outside, Lisa.”
“At least the tutu is a flattering shade of pink. It really goes with your skin tone.”
“Fuck off, Lisa.”
“That’ll teach you to assume you know more about sports than a woman. Now dance your ass to work.”

#vss365

“It’s just a #trick of the light, Pam.”
“But we’re in the same light, Leon. There’s my shadow. Where’s yours?”
“Would you knock it off and just get me a beer?”
He hasn’t been the same since getting lost in the woods, she thought, not seeing the darkness oozing toward her.

#vss365

“I heard the thing under the bed again last night.”
“Oh, sweetie, it’s your imagination. Look, there’s nothing there.”
“You can’t see it that way. It’s… #beneath.”
“Beneath…what, exactly?”
“It didn’t say. It just said ‘I’m beneath you.’ Why’d you turn off the light?”

#vss365

“I can’t quite #reach it,” she grunted in frustration, fingers barely brushing the ticket she’d dropped. He slapped her ass and crowed, “That’s what she said!” She stood abruptly and shoved him onto the tracks as the train whistled. #vss365